John Nguyen
09-23-2007, 07:32 PM
Hopefully no one here receives a letter like this.
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"As Your Personal Trainer, I am Going to Have to Fire You"
Dear Sophie,
I regret to inform you that I can no longer accept your business as my fitness client. Although I appreciate your patronage over the past five years, I have decided that you no longer benefit from my service -- I question if you ever had. Although I like to keep things simple, I am compelled to tell you the reasons why I am letting you go, so that you may benefit at least in some regards.
First of all: I feel that you don't listen very well. When I told you about the trouble I had with my girlfriend's promisquity, you dismissed it as her sense of "sexual freedom" and proceeded with your back squats, clearly indicating you weren't interested.
Second: You are not very perceptive. I have heard of slow learners, but you always seem oblivious. For example, I often hint at a need for money, perhaps a cash advance of some sort. I have been gracious enough to be subtle, like when I say that I want to take my date to dinner at Mako in Beverly Hills but that it was too expensive, the best you did was offered alternatives, instead of offering to pick up the tab. Other times I have been blunt, like when I complimented your fancy new Maserati and immediately stated that my Hummer needed new chrome wheels but that I need four grand from someone. You blew that one, too busy with your crunches. You wouldn't know it if a dumbbell dropped on your head.
Third: Although I would imagine catching your husband with the 23 year-old maid caused problems in your marriage, you have been unreasonably distracted from your workout sessions. You missed three sessions last month due to counseling, and that puts a strain on my income. You ought to be more sensitive.
Fourth, you are needy. Last week, while you were bench pressing, I attempted to get a phone number from the blond in the black leotard, and you became visibly annoyed. I realize you were maxing-out, but it's not as if I left the building. You should work on your jealousy; it is an ugly part of you.
Fifth: Speaking of ugly part -- we don't need to go there, as no exercise in the world can resolve that. If you can afford a Maserati, you can afford to have it removed.
Sixth: You are a Nazi. Do you always expect me to be on time to your sessions? My girlfriend and I had a fight on Tuesday afternoon, so I spent the night drinking an entire bottle of rum with her best friend, who happens to live four towns away. You ought to consider yourself lucky that I drove in for your session the next morning.
Seventh: You are completely inconsiderate. When you are late to your sessions, you expect me to wait for you and be ready to train you for the remainder of those sessions. Do you think that I have nothing better to do with my time?
Finally: You suck. You really, really suck. Look at the blond in the black leotard. And then look at yourself. Why am I wasting my time with you?
Sincerely,
David "Merciless" Mansfield, ACE CPT, YMCA Level 3
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"As Your Personal Trainer, I am Going to Have to Fire You"
Dear Sophie,
I regret to inform you that I can no longer accept your business as my fitness client. Although I appreciate your patronage over the past five years, I have decided that you no longer benefit from my service -- I question if you ever had. Although I like to keep things simple, I am compelled to tell you the reasons why I am letting you go, so that you may benefit at least in some regards.
First of all: I feel that you don't listen very well. When I told you about the trouble I had with my girlfriend's promisquity, you dismissed it as her sense of "sexual freedom" and proceeded with your back squats, clearly indicating you weren't interested.
Second: You are not very perceptive. I have heard of slow learners, but you always seem oblivious. For example, I often hint at a need for money, perhaps a cash advance of some sort. I have been gracious enough to be subtle, like when I say that I want to take my date to dinner at Mako in Beverly Hills but that it was too expensive, the best you did was offered alternatives, instead of offering to pick up the tab. Other times I have been blunt, like when I complimented your fancy new Maserati and immediately stated that my Hummer needed new chrome wheels but that I need four grand from someone. You blew that one, too busy with your crunches. You wouldn't know it if a dumbbell dropped on your head.
Third: Although I would imagine catching your husband with the 23 year-old maid caused problems in your marriage, you have been unreasonably distracted from your workout sessions. You missed three sessions last month due to counseling, and that puts a strain on my income. You ought to be more sensitive.
Fourth, you are needy. Last week, while you were bench pressing, I attempted to get a phone number from the blond in the black leotard, and you became visibly annoyed. I realize you were maxing-out, but it's not as if I left the building. You should work on your jealousy; it is an ugly part of you.
Fifth: Speaking of ugly part -- we don't need to go there, as no exercise in the world can resolve that. If you can afford a Maserati, you can afford to have it removed.
Sixth: You are a Nazi. Do you always expect me to be on time to your sessions? My girlfriend and I had a fight on Tuesday afternoon, so I spent the night drinking an entire bottle of rum with her best friend, who happens to live four towns away. You ought to consider yourself lucky that I drove in for your session the next morning.
Seventh: You are completely inconsiderate. When you are late to your sessions, you expect me to wait for you and be ready to train you for the remainder of those sessions. Do you think that I have nothing better to do with my time?
Finally: You suck. You really, really suck. Look at the blond in the black leotard. And then look at yourself. Why am I wasting my time with you?
Sincerely,
David "Merciless" Mansfield, ACE CPT, YMCA Level 3
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